Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
