Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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