someone threw a dead crab at me
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
