If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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