And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
