her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
