I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
