i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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