Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
