I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
we're making bets on your personal life
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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