I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I want her autograph on my taint
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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