Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
