I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
