I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
