Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You were trust falling into bushes
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
