dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Randomize
