i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
