Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
