I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
this hospital has no fireball
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Randomize
