There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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