i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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