Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
