seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
