Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
