the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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