is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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