guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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