can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
