I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
