So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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