We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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