You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
