Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
