We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
