when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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