True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
