So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
