I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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