super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
