your parents love me but you hate me
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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