I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Can you bring me the toilet please
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
