we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
