you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
