if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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