My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
