i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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