I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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