Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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