so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
