Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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